dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
