And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize