Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
