omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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