In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
