this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
