How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
