Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
