12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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