I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
