new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
