no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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