her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
