If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
