I am puke
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
