I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
