he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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