I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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