she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
