I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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