I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
