i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
