You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
