I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think my moral compass just broke
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
