is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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