why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
