So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
