Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
