So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
