A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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