haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
