Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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