his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
