my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Hippo gnu deer
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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