If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
