So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Is it because I queefed?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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