I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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