Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
