I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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