if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
