i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
