she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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