i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize