i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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