you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
17 year olds will be the death of me.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
