Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
