i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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