It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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