i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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