We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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