haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
