I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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