Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
