I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
