Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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