so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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