I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
