Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
