Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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