what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
